and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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