your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
