I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
You're a waste of cheezeits
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Randomize
