dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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