I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
What a dumb baby whore.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize
