Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
