using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
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