you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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