He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
