bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Randomize
