there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
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