so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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