sarcasm needs its own font
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
