I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
