My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
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