I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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