If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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