Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
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