I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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