The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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