At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize