We named our party play list daddy issues
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize