He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
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