remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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