these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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