Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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