No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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