On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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