of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
