His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Randomize
