Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
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