I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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