I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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