Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
