I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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