Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
I see more hoeing in ur future
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