i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
