stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Randomize