i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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