i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
