So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
