Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
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