I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Randomize
