she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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