Redeem this text for a blowjob
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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