His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
