you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
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