Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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