I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
God, I missed his penis.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
