The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
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