Already got asked if we're dating
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
