Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
