I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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