i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Randomize
