oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
