So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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