You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Randomize
