She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Randomize
