you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Randomize
