I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
