if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
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