I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
