I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
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