I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Randomize
