omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
