Small penises have feelings too.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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