I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize