So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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