I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
