WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
