this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
