If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize