I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I'm always down for nudity.
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