Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
