You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
