I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
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